Harder than I thought

Hole in my heart

The thoughts all jumbled in my head are making me so very tired. I keep them inside wishing they had a way to escape, the prison they’re in. The empty-ness in my heart hurts so much. The void keeps growing and I feel it is swallowing me up.
Part of me refuses to give in and I try my best to maintain a semblance of normality. Yet this ugly temptation, softly whispering my name, luring me closer to darkness is showing itself more and more lately. The temptation to go in a dark cave and to never come out…

THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!!!

What am I to do? I am letting it invade my mind and invade my heart. I had read somewhere that accepting is also part of the journey. I accept and I hurt in every cell of my body. The kind of hurt that does not show from the outside, the insidious one, the quiet one; eating me up slowly one heartbeat at a time.

So, in refusal of letting myself follow this downward spiral, I am writing here today after a long time out. It feels raw and private, my blog seems an odd place to put private thoughts out. Writing here helps I am just realizing now that it has been two weeks, I did not post here. So letting those words out in the open is my attempt to bring myself back up to the surface.

Thank you for reading, hoping you understand…

****

Ces pensées toutes brouillées dans ma tête me fatiguent tellement . Je les garde à l’intérieur tout en souhaitant qu’elles puissent trouver un moyen d’échapper de la prison, où elles sont. Le vide dans mon cœur fait tellement mal. Ce vide ne cesse de croître et je pense qu’il me engloutit petit à petit. Une partie de moi refuse de céder et je fais de mon mieux pour maintenir un semblant de vie normale. Pourtant, la tentation existe, une tentation qui murmure doucement mon nom, me leurre et m’appelle pour me montrer  l’obscurité qui se rapproche de plus en plus de moi, ces derniers temps…me cacher tout au fond d’une cave profonde pour ne jamais en sortir…

MAIS CE N’EST PAS MOI!!!

Que dois-je faire? Je me laisse envahir l’esprit et le cœur. J’avais lu quelque part que l’acceptation fait également partie de ce voyage qu’on appelle la vie. Donc j’accepte tout en souffrant dans chaque cellule de mon corps, d’un genre de douleur qui ne se montre pas de l’extérieur, une douleur insidieuse, calme qui m’envahi lentement, petit à petit…un battement de cœur à la fois.

Mais,je refuse de me laisser engouffrer par cette spirale infernale, et c’est pour cela que j’écris aujourd’hui après une longue pause. c’est trés dur  et mon blog semble un d’endroit bizarre pour partager mes pensées privées. Pourtant écrire ici m’aide énormément donc je vous laisse lire ces mots en éspérant qu’ils m’aideront à refaire surface.

En souhaitant que vous comprenez …

12 thoughts on “Harder than I thought

  1. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I’ve truly enjoyed surfing around
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    Like

  2. Pingback: Finding my way | Far Away In The Sunshine
  3. Sweetest Anyes, Please, PLEASE see your doctor and a therapist as soon as you can possibly get an appointment, if you haven’t already in the last two weeks. This sounds so much like I’ve felt at my worst points and I know now that even though I have the most amazing, loving and supportive family and beloved husband who will support me to the ends of the earth and back, they can’t do anything to fix my biochemistry or counsel me like a professional in how to hunt for the best therapies to help me survive. I couldn’t do anything about how I felt on my own, and I couldn’t even find the strength to *ask* for professional help for myself, but I finally knew that I had to do it for my loved ones, because it was too much for *them* to have to suffer with me and for me. I wish you only and all the best, dear Anyes, and hope that you will find your way out of the darkness too. I never knew life could be so good until I got the right help. It doesn’t solve every trouble in the world, but it makes me able to solve the ones that matter, even now when I “fell down” again for a little bit.

    Be comforted and filled with peace, beautiful soul.
    xoxo,
    Kathryn

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  4. I understand. What we think and feel is not really who we are. It is okay to put your thoughts and feelings out there. Writing helps you and reading allows others going through the same things to know that they are not alone.
    Take care :)

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  5. I very much understand. I think there is no way to avoid the pain of loss, no way to avoid grieving. Feel the feelings, no matter how painful. It will set you free. You are stronger than you think, but continually trying to drag yourself back from the pain will not make it go away. It just wants to be seen, heard, felt, loved. I cried buckets for months when each of my parents died, and could barely function in the world. And then slowly things improved. They will for you too.
    I am reminded of Rumi’s poem

    http://www.gratefulness.org/poetry/guest_house.htm

    (((((hugs)))))
    Alison
    xox

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  6. I am sending you, always, healing energy and love. You have the strength to move through this, Anyes, I know you do. And if you allow yourself to move through it, acknowledge it, then let it go, you will emerge so much stronger. Ask for help and guidance everyday. It’s there, even if you are not actively aware of it. Much love to you. <3

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  7. Désolée de te savoir aussi bas… Les solutions ne sont pas toujours faciles à trouver et il faut se laisser le temps de reprendre son souffle. Courage, je pense à toi, tout en me sentant bien incapable de t ‘aider. Tu ne peux compter que sur toi même, mais tu peux être certaine de notre empathie.
    Amicalement

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